PLEASE PINCH ME AND TELL ME THAT THIS IS ALL JUST A DREAM

Like any other midnight (on the 1st of March) last weekend, where the next morning I will be having an exam at 10…so I kinda stayed up and do the usual last minute study like most normal students would do…I realized that its already 3 in the morning. At that moment I can barely open my eyes as the reading was torturing me…so, I have decided to take a short nap and wake up in 90 minutes time…and after 90 minutes, I did woke up with the help of me phone alarm...but that was for a few seconds…then in about half an hour later, I woke up again, only this time to the sound of my phone ringing…and I picked up the phone and my sister was on the other end of the phone…she was crying very badly and screaming…and she asked me to come back home at that instance because something was wrong with my mother…my sister mention that my mother had fell down in the toilet while showering…so I did what I had to do…I panicked!! And I put up some of my decent clothes and I went to my roommate’s (Izzy) compartment, and let her know that I was heading home…then I started crying…when Izzy saw me crying, she’d decided to tag along with me…and on my way home, I cried because I was scared that I didn’t know how to deal with all these things if case the worst case scenario happened…and Izzy kept consoling me…at about 20 minutes after that I reached home, and I found my brother standing outside my house and stare at me with the despair face…so, I asked me brother what actually happened…and he tuck his lips tight…I asked again and this time he told me that my mother’s gone…she left us a few minutes ago…I couldn’t take the news like an adult, so I fell and cried hard…my brother walk me into the house and there, I saw my mom lying down covered in “kain batik”. She looked sooooo pale…I just couldn’t believe my eyes that on the mattress was my mom, breathless and her lips are all blue…and my father hugged me and tell me that my mother is gone!!! Forever!!! Tell me if you are a normal person, at that particular point in time, don’t you wish that it’d be better if something else would have happen??…anything at all except this one…I went on crying til noon…my sister just couldn’t accept the fact that my mother is gone to the one and only Allah the Almighty…most of the time I sat next to where my mother was laid…I can’t even look at her every time someone lift the covering on her face…its just soo hard…I still couldn’t accept the fact that she’s gone…later that noon, its time to “mandi jenazah” (bathe her and ablution)…my dad have asked me and my sister to it, but my sister was not strong enough to do that…so, I had and wanted to do it…while I was bathing her…I tried so hard not to cry but its almost as if it was impossible for me to abstain myself from crying…I had wonderful friends who have helped me doing that…and after bathing her, I had to kiss her the last goodbye…and before that, from earlier that morning…I kept telling myself that this is just a bad dream…I have asked my friends to pinch me and tell me that I was only dreaming…but sadly for me, that is never going to happen because it is real…later that night, before going to bed, I hope that the next morning I will wake to my mom’s voice…but I can hardly sleep at night…how is it possible for to wake up the next morning and realize that this was all a dream when I cant’ even sleep at night??? Later the second day, everything that is around me in my house reminds me of my mom….people always told me that I have to let her go so that she would go peacefully…I really do want to do that, but now, at this very moment, I really miss her knowing that I didn’t get the chance to meet her and let her know that I love her and I’m sorry for anything that I’ve done wrong in any way just a few moments before she left…please, if this is a dream, someone please wake me up…faster, because this is not a pleasant dream….and also, this one I have been getting a lot since yesterday…”be strong”…I know that that is what I have to do…but please…tell me how??? Cause its too damn hard…MAMA, I MISSED YOU AND I WILL ALWAYS WILL BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!