i need the world to know and to have....

Dear Whoever,

If you have come across this note, you are accountable for whatever that is understood by you that are in this note as in a few years to come, I may or may not be here. I have been diagnosed for a mild coronary artery disease called Angina last 2 months, but I refuse to do 2 things; one being my rejection for any kind of treatment, medication or consultation and the second is the refusal to let my family come to the information because I believe that the money for the treatment of my disease could be put to a better use and with all that has been on my father’s shoulder, I couldn’t stand looking at father’s face when I break the news to him or the others. But say if I am not here anymore when you are reading this, then you should know that I want and need all my family members to know that I am really sorry for what I have done to them by not telling them what I have been going through ever since. Together with that I also need you to tell everyone who knew me that they have touched my life in their own different ways and I am very thankful that God has sent them to me. I need them to continue to touch as many lives as they can because it is such a wonderful gift to have your life touched by someone before you leave. They are making it soo much easier for me to leave knowing that each of them has touched my life in any way that they can. After that, I want to give away my eyes, heart (if it’s not the cause of my death), liver, kidneys, bones, lungs and pancreas to anyone that is in need of them. Regardless of their race, religion or anything. Just give it to them for free if they need it. This is the last thing that I can do to touch someone else’s life without ever knowing them. Who says you have to know someone to touch their life? It is not in the handbook that I got when I was born. Of course, the handbook was written by me! After that, I want one-third of my earthly belongings being channelled to the poor and the needy. Another two-third will go to my father, sister and brother whom I loved dearly and deeply with all my heart. And lastly, to the person whom GOD has written that is for me, I need him to know that it would be great if we could spent our lives together, but maybe this is for the best. I know that it would have been the most beautiful part of our life if I were to stay longer, but I have no control over this...I have to yield to whatever that GOD has in store for me, even though it is bitter and hard for me to swallow. My dearest, we need to remember that things happen for a reason.

LOVE,
RAISA

ALWAYS...

Well, today is the eve of valentines day and i didnt expect to feel soo low...i thought i can get through the day feeling happy for my cousin who will be hosting a wedding reception tomorrow. but then, i dont think i can even put on a fake smile! yes, it is that hard for anyone to even carve a smile when you are in pain. long before i met him, i used to live in my own world, living my own live without having intruders! that was because initially i had a thick wall built around myself...for heart-proofing myself from any form of disapointment. but after i met you, i thought it will be a one-time thing, and after that..."whats new?" i didnt think that you are gonna stay for long. you stayed longer than i expected you would. 2 years after we met, i think you were genuinely sincere and you are truly a friend, that is when i make some room in my own little world for you. you were caring enough to break down the walls that i have built for 10 years now. I LET YOU IN. everything was nice and flowery...that feeling, its like walking on the clouds with you and nothing can ever ruined it for us. but somehow, i feel that someone wants me to taste the reality. and so i did, it was nothing like walking on the clouds! its soo much harder than that...i miss walking in the clouds with him. maybe its harder here on earth because of the gravity that has been pulling you down. next time (i dont think there will be a next time), i just have to realize that life is not always a walk in the clouds. i didnt see that (reality) coming...maybe because of the clouds that have been covering my face and got my sight impaired. when you say those words, suddenly i feel i just hit rock bottom. i fell and it hurts a lot!!! im am bleeding inside and out,but you cant see my blood gushing out of my body. its nothing but some feeling that i felt, and now im drowning in the flood of my own tears because without you i give up. i love you, and i will always will love you til the stars dont shine...

...and I finally find the reason to stay alive

Yesterday, something happened to me that made me realised that I have lost the will to live. Well, I am not gonna tell you what is it as it is very embarrassing that the thought of it make me think less of myself. You know people say that “what defines a person is not by his or her achievements but rather how he or she rise after falling”. I have been a fan of that saying until yesterday, I stop believing in everything. I have give in everything to redeem myself for the second time and God knows why it didn’t work out that well for me. I have reached a point where I have no idea what to do anymore! Which you would easily translate to... me giving up. I know that I am in no position to say this, but I think that life have stop being fair to me. And again, I don’t know why? Maybe I must have done something wrong or maybe it’s something else? See, I have been trying to figure that out since yesterday, and even luck have stop favouring me! So, basically yesterday was not the best day ever for me.


Later that night, someone tried to convince me that life has a lot more to offer so that I won’t take my own life. And he said (yes, it’s a HE) that I have other things that I can focus on to keep on living. Still, I am not that convinced because I have been hit very hard by the “tragedy”. He ask me to find some other reason to not take my own life and that if I ever do wish to proceed with the suicide, I should plan a suicide for 2. Weird huh? Well, not to me. That is because I have been the reason for his being here in this world. Can you actually blame him? I don’t think so. For that, I blame myself. I blame me for allowing him to fall for me. Why did I ever have to be nice to him when I shouldn’t? Why would I go on and entertain him when I know that we met by an accident? I have had every chance in the world to not allow him to fall for me because I am a very dark and twisted person. I have issues that need to be settled long before I can allow a person to fall for me or allowing myself to fall for a person. But I did allow him anyway. FYI, I am not all bright and sunshine tho to some I may appear like one. Thinking about the chances that I shouldn’t have pursued with him when the window of opportunity is wide open, made me think that someone up there is trying to make me see something that I still can’t see. But I am still trying tho. But, so far I have only seen the wonders of my decision to continue being friends with him. If I have been given the chance to go back into time and change something that I feel in needs of changes; this, I wouldn’t have done it any differently to change it. It is too perfect for me for any changes to take place. I will only go back into time and re-live the moments of our “accident”.


And suddenly, it struck me that...these are the moments that I thanked God that Im alive. This is the very reason that has kept my heart beating with a fun and loving rhythm. The reason for me being alive has been here with me all the while and I am just too arrogant and blind to see it. It is this kind of moment that I know heaven must exist and it is the place to be. Why would I search in the most ridiculous places to find a reason to go on living when I have already know what the reason is?? My reason being alive is to make the people that I love the most happy at any cost and to take on chances that actually can bring you to a place that no one can ever imagine. These are the possibilities that life has to offer you only if you are willing to take on the chances and make the decisions that come from your heart. You think it’s a load of crap? Try and feel it for yourself...any decision that you make, let it come from your heart. It’s more sincere that way.