...and I finally find the reason to stay alive

Yesterday, something happened to me that made me realised that I have lost the will to live. Well, I am not gonna tell you what is it as it is very embarrassing that the thought of it make me think less of myself. You know people say that “what defines a person is not by his or her achievements but rather how he or she rise after falling”. I have been a fan of that saying until yesterday, I stop believing in everything. I have give in everything to redeem myself for the second time and God knows why it didn’t work out that well for me. I have reached a point where I have no idea what to do anymore! Which you would easily translate to... me giving up. I know that I am in no position to say this, but I think that life have stop being fair to me. And again, I don’t know why? Maybe I must have done something wrong or maybe it’s something else? See, I have been trying to figure that out since yesterday, and even luck have stop favouring me! So, basically yesterday was not the best day ever for me.


Later that night, someone tried to convince me that life has a lot more to offer so that I won’t take my own life. And he said (yes, it’s a HE) that I have other things that I can focus on to keep on living. Still, I am not that convinced because I have been hit very hard by the “tragedy”. He ask me to find some other reason to not take my own life and that if I ever do wish to proceed with the suicide, I should plan a suicide for 2. Weird huh? Well, not to me. That is because I have been the reason for his being here in this world. Can you actually blame him? I don’t think so. For that, I blame myself. I blame me for allowing him to fall for me. Why did I ever have to be nice to him when I shouldn’t? Why would I go on and entertain him when I know that we met by an accident? I have had every chance in the world to not allow him to fall for me because I am a very dark and twisted person. I have issues that need to be settled long before I can allow a person to fall for me or allowing myself to fall for a person. But I did allow him anyway. FYI, I am not all bright and sunshine tho to some I may appear like one. Thinking about the chances that I shouldn’t have pursued with him when the window of opportunity is wide open, made me think that someone up there is trying to make me see something that I still can’t see. But I am still trying tho. But, so far I have only seen the wonders of my decision to continue being friends with him. If I have been given the chance to go back into time and change something that I feel in needs of changes; this, I wouldn’t have done it any differently to change it. It is too perfect for me for any changes to take place. I will only go back into time and re-live the moments of our “accident”.


And suddenly, it struck me that...these are the moments that I thanked God that Im alive. This is the very reason that has kept my heart beating with a fun and loving rhythm. The reason for me being alive has been here with me all the while and I am just too arrogant and blind to see it. It is this kind of moment that I know heaven must exist and it is the place to be. Why would I search in the most ridiculous places to find a reason to go on living when I have already know what the reason is?? My reason being alive is to make the people that I love the most happy at any cost and to take on chances that actually can bring you to a place that no one can ever imagine. These are the possibilities that life has to offer you only if you are willing to take on the chances and make the decisions that come from your heart. You think it’s a load of crap? Try and feel it for yourself...any decision that you make, let it come from your heart. It’s more sincere that way.